Name it to tame it: Teaching children to manage BIG emotions

“In the brain, naming an emotion can help calm it. Here is where finding words to label an internal experience becomes really helpful. We can call this “Name it to tame it.”

― Daniel J. Siegel, The Whole Brain Child

If you ask a child how they are feeling, what would they say? “Good” “Okay” “Fine” “I don’t know?” If you ask an adult their responses might not be that different. Most of us have a difficult time naming our emotions and answering the simple question “How are you?” Research suggests that recognising, labelling, and discussing emotions with children lays the foundation for their social emotional development, self-regulation, and success later in life. According to The Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, “Emotions drive learning, decision-making, creativity, and relationships.”

Like adults, children experience a range of emotions throughout the day. They get frustrated, excited, nervous, sad, jealous, scared, worried, angry, and embarrassed. Since children don’t often have the language to express how they are feeling with words, instead they will communicate their feelings in other ways; by acting them out physically or in other inappropriate ways. Developing emotional intelligence enables children (and adults) to manage emotions effectively and avoid being derailed (flipping our lid), for instance, by a moment of anger. So, how can a child effectively express anger? It is okay for a child to verbalize “I’m angry!” It is not okay for a child to push another child when they are angry. As parents, teachers, and carers, we have an important role to play to teach our children to name and understand their feelings, so they express them in a positive way. 

It’s important to begin teaching emotional literacy from a very early age. One way to do this is to model the five RULER skills for children developed at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Checking in regularly throughout the day.

Recognise: How am I feeling?

Understand: What happened that led me to feel this way?

Label: What word best describes how I am feeling?

Express: How can I express appropriately what I am feeling for this time and place?

Regulate: What can I do to maintain my feeling (if I want to continue feeling this way) or shift my feeling (if I do not want to continue feeling this way)?

When a child learns to understand, name and express their emotions from an early age, it helps them self-regulate and leads to positive attitudes and behaviours later in life. Children who learn healthy ways to express and cope with their feelings are more likely to:

• Perform better in school and in their career

• Be empathic and have more positive relationships

• Have good mental health and wellbeing

• Display less behavioural problems

• Develop resilience and coping skills

• Feel more capable, confident, and have a positive sense of self

Strategies that can effectively regulate emotions include:

• “Name it to tame it!” Help your child name their feelings by giving them a label. Use our  feelings cards and poster to help.

• Take deep breaths. Teach your child some breathing techniques (e.g., finger breathing or rainbow breathing) to help them be calm.

• Engage in positive self-talk (e.g., “I am safe”). Positive affirmations for kids can help.

• Take a positive time out! Step back and allow physical distance (e.g., taking a short walk or relaxing in your cozy corner)

• Ask for help or seek social support (e.g., talk to a parent, teacher, or friend)

Learning to identify and express feelings in a positive way helps children develop the skills they need to manage them effectively. Teach your child to develop emotional literacy so they can talk about their feelings and act in a productive way instead of reacting in a destructive way.